Giraffes? GIRAFFES!

If you're like me, you're all, "Giraffes? WTF?" I mean, seriously -- those are some weird damn animals. What are they, from Uranus or something? Well, as it turns out... maybe they are. At least according to this great looking book -- GIRAFFES? GIRAFFES!, by Dr. and Mr. Haggis-on-Whey, authors of Your Disgusting Head : The Darkest, Most Offensive and Moist Secrets of Your Ears, Mouth and Nose.

And because I know many of you are too lazy to click through to see just how badly you need to school yourself about giraffes, I'm going to quote liberally from Amazon's Editorial Review here:

... You are hopelessly clueless on giraffe culture, their likes/dislikes and voting patterns -- most giraffes are probably libertarian. GIRAFFES? GIRAFFES! is the authoritative text on the biology, history and overall nature of giraffes.

You are so behind on giraffes that it's rather embarrassing and you obviously need this book more than health insurance. Things you probably don't know about giraffes -- and can only be found in this book -- include giraffes' preferred mode of transportation (conveyor belt), what their bodies are made of (paper mache, a clock, fruit juices and a super-strong lightweight titanium alloy), where most giraffes live (Terra Haute, Indiana -- known for many things, including buildings made of wood and ground made of dirt), and basic giraffe history (in 50,000 B.C giraffes began to hang out with primitive man, they found him to be likeable and helped him paint buffaloes in caves).

Cheat Sheet on Giraffes (good for slumber parties and barroom brawls):

• Giraffes invented plastic. "No, not plastic--latex. My bad. Still, though isn't that amazing?"

• Frequently Asked Question: Why do we call giraffes "giraffes?" Answer: Because when they came to Earth they asked us to.

• Rarely Asked Question: How fast can giraffes run? The giraffes have tried to phase out running from their lives but if they had to, they could still run much faster than you. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that they can run 780 mph.

It's only $11.53, so go get it. But hurry -- Amazon says there's only 1 left in stock (but more are on the way).

[Thanks to Jeph at Questionable Content for the tip!]